While negotiating with one of my kids about peas and carrots, my husband said something to me that scared me more than anything has since the time of monsters and ghosts: No salary this month.
This, on top of the fact of my smallest child’s fever, on top of my own sickness coming on, on top of our dog’s aging and debilitation, on top of the stress and anxiety between us (always between us), made me turn and walk away right in the middle of dinnertime.
We both own our own businesses. Mine is fresh and new, yet to make money. My husband’s is a larger operation going through some, well, lots of changes. His business holds us, buoys us from debt. His salary keeps the gears of this family grinding.
The overwhelm was so heavy that I just retreated, ending up in our bedroom. I ended up on the bed, curled in a ball. I don’t why I expected something to arrive that would save me. Some kind of fairy godmother. An apparition to tell me what to do.
But it was just me and the expectation that something would come to save us. We were good people. Good parents, good friends, good citizens. Surely, God would hear my prayers. Certainly, there would be help.
Then something did arrive. My own tears.
I let them come, and the release was incredible. I let it all go; all of it flowed out through my tears. All of it: the rockiness of my marriage, the financial worry, the sickness, the stress about my kids, and the sadness about my dog.
The crying brought me into my body, back to my breathing. After the tears cleaned my mind of desperation, after it released the doom and gloom, I could see a shift in my own perception. Some day, we will look back at these hard and trying times and love them for making us stronger as a family. I could see myself knowing later the reasons for our struggles.
Noticing the steadiness of my breath and the calm of my state, I was stable again.
Someone had come to save us, and it would be me.
I could go now, refreshed and clean, to be a leader of consciousness for my family. To be positive in the face of bad news and to hold tight to the conviction that we will be more than okay.