Fear is a space that is so familiar to me, it feels like home. The dark space inside, the words that I tell myself, and that I have told myself since I found out I was pregnant with my first child—safety is more important than happiness, going after my dreams is selfish and dangerous, because I am not good enough to “make it”. I have rooted myself into the wicked ground of self sabotage and insecurity for so long, I thought it was the only space available to me. Everyday that I live in this fear, I tend to this ground and a new root appears.
I hear myself telling my boys they can be whatever they want. Trying desperately to nourish the fertile ground of imagination and creativity. Holding space for them to explore their gifts, so that one day they will go out into this world and grow, flourish and reach for the sun.
Here I am, in my dark, little corner garden, hiding away from passion. Using the sacred space of motherhood as an excuse—a way that I can let myself off the hook from really going after my dreams. Through my practice of yoga and self inquiry, I have realized these dreams haven’t disappeared, they have just been buried by years of decisions that felt safe.
I am ready to dig myself out of fear and reconnect to my dreams, the really big ones that thrill and scare me, all at once. Some days I feel the light on my skin and I get really excited about what is to come. Other days I feel the darkness of this hole, as I work to uncover my truth. But everyday I remind myself—the more I let the sun shine on me, the brighter I am as a mother. The truth is, what my boys really need for growth, is more light.