I do yoga while my son naps
my mind split between being present
and listening for moving around.
His feet hit the floor,
the bedroom door is flung open.
This is the push and pull of my days.
My longing for a steadier temper, a calmer mind.
My reality of struggling to not yell at bedtime.
No one talks about the hours it takes to get kids to sleep
nights full of nursing,
the aching of them growing up,
while you simultaneously and desperately want them to let you pee alone.
I write because I want to change the conversation we have about motherhood,
the reality that becoming a parent is a total life change,
And how it might not have been the change you thought it would be.
I had no idea what 24/7 meant. I want to get a break, but I can’t bail out.
It’s my kid.
I’m not the woman I was before children.
My body has been a home not once, but twice.
My mind will always wonder if they are safe.
There are glorious moments mixed in with the mundane,
the days jumble together with lack of sleep.
Then you wake up, and have a five year old.
I meditate with my children yelling for me outside the door.
There is no yoga retreat in sight.
Yet, there is a holiness.
My longing for a more present life prompted me to stop drinking.
The myth that mommyhood is only possible with wine
was once seeped into the conversations I had,
and the reality I made.
I’m becoming the person I want to be,
although many days it does not feel that way.
I still zone out on social media,
I love coffee
And my temper is quick.
I want to own my emotions and be present
and maybe in that presence I can do things differently.
Maybe moments longer before the snap to anger.
Cracking open a Le Croix instead of opening a bottle of wine.
Let’s start the dialogue.
Let’s hold space for each other.
Let’s be truth-tellers.
Photo credit: Sarah Corbett