I gave her one assignment; to text me every night and tell me how, that day, she learned to BELIEVE. Here she is.
I so deeply yearned to be in a different place yet when it was time to get to work I’d question whether it really was possible to change. And this was the first – and crucial – point that my coach, Elena Brower, challenged me on: if you truly desire to implement change in your life you must believe. We need to believe that we are the masters of our selves and therefore that we can absolutely, unwaveringly make our heart’s dreams literally come true.
We began with a series of small steps, steps which I’d previously dismissed as being too insignificant or simply impossible to implement because of some deep-rooted beliefs which I held as being part of my fabric, preventing me to change. While I had been trying for years to have a consistent daily meditation practice, over the space of a week, I changed my diet and my sleep routine. And just like that, some of my most non-negotiable character traits and behavior patterns – I am not a morning person, I can’t fall asleep if I am hungry – simply dropped out of my head. This created space for a more open mindset where I was witnessing stepping stones in action: one achievement was literally leading to another.
Next, Elena asked me to keep a daily log of events that illustrated why I believe. Over time, events made way to insights. Three months later, this newfound belief in possibility and the clarity of mind slowly being cultivated through meditation are in turn allowing for a deeper process to take place, where the changes are for the most part internal and at times incredibly subtle. I have created the space to observe them, developed a newfound respect for incremental change and most of the time, I BELIEVE.
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I believe because there is at least one thing that each and every one of us does where we are totally in flow, natural, in the zone. For me it’s cooking, whether it’s having five pans on the fire making dinner for my family, hosting a meal for friends or embarking on a commercial culinary venture. When I allow myself to recognize and honour my unique gift I feel so much richer, happier, free of doubt in that sweet, safe space.
I believe because I have been doing more things for myself lately, small attentions to detail, and boy is it making a difference to how I feel and how my kids respond to me. One step at a time.
I believe because more and more often, things I yearn or wish for – however small, really and truly materialise. Some don’t though, which leads me to contemplate whether the ones that don’t make it are the wishes of my heart, or rather those generated by my head.
I believe because I am happy. I still yell at my kids unnecessarily, get frustrated, feel down and fearful, but the spaces in between the negativity are getting bigger and are more open. No longer does a tired, unfulfilled woman look back at me when I look in the mirror at 6am. Instead, I see a beautiful mama with glowing skin and a soft gaze.
I believe because when I feel myself slipping back into my mindset of limiting beliefs, a little bit of yoga, meditation and attention to my diet go a long, long way in taking me back to a stronger, more authentic, more open place.
I believe because the power of intent is manifesting itself in small but not irrelevant ways: from parking spots appearing and appointments freeing up where and when I want them to the very person I hoped to see showing up, all those little daily if-only moments simply happen ‘if only’ I articulate those wishes clearly – and specifically. Life is sweet when I stay in integrity.
I believe because truly, truly, everything has a meaning and learning point – and rarely is it the one I’d expected. Today’s was about having the openness, clarity and peace of mind to speak up, without fearing the consequences, rather than holding my tongue in frustration and confusion because of the assumptions I’d made about a particular situation. The penny drops.
I believe because I practiced *responding* rather than *reacting* towards my children this evening. Each and every time it delivered a harmonious, loving outcome: they felt more respected, I felt more love.
I believe because I am now able to observe when the grey cloud appears – and it is just that, a mass hovering above me. Just air. It is not me, and I can’t always blow it away. But I can identify it and I know I am not that cloud. It’s just there.
I believe because today marks 100 days of my consistent, daily, morning meditation practice. It has taken me no less than eight years to get here and I have Elena to thank for it. I believe in believing in things you never thought were possible. I believe in small changes having the biggest effects.
I believe because when I drop my ego and melt open to vulnerability rather than resistance, it opens up the possibility of resolution, which oftentimes turns out to be not that complicated. The hard part is recognising that the ego is in the way. After that the rest just falls into place.
I believe because while I still lose my composure with my kids, I now drop my pride and apologise right away, and talk to them about what’s going on. And, even though I continue to berate myself for it, I do realise that it can take a long, long time to undo deeply ingrained patterns of behaviour – and that I am undoing them, one knot at a time. I’m not just blurting out a quick apology – it’s about really understanding what went wrong and having the courage to open up to my kids, unmasked. And most of the time it has to do with me: I was tired, I had something else on my mind.
Recognising that transformation takes time is the hardest part. But it simply does take time: while it might feel like I am still failing, each day I shout a little less, each day I do things a little more authentically. One step at a time.