Recently I read a post from Seane Corn:
“Trust your process, let it open your soul and allow for a new awakening to occur that can bring you closer to your highest self in love. Always remember ‘just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly’.”
The analogy struck a chord in me, and I know I am not alone.
I have been waking around 3am, and in the darkness of the night, so many thoughts and feelings arise. In those moments, I have no-one, no-where and nothing to turn to…but God, Spirit. In the solitude where communing seems somehow easier, I ask to be shown the way out of the darkness, but it only seems to grow. I feel the sense of loss, the grief that comes with having to let go of ideas, and hopes. I feel wrapped in darkness and in that darkness the tears come and I yearn for relief.
In the idea of the caterpillar, I feel myself trapped in the chrysalis. I’m alone and can’t see the light. I can’t see the hope of something new and better.. just darkness, like the state of the world. In the middle of the night, I feel myself squirm away from the painful lonely sensations. I feel the desire to have someone take away those scary feelings. In these moments, when no-one can be there and it’s just me, the blackness, my tears, I seek distraction from the pain. Noise, approval, an ego boost. Anything to remind me that I am “someone”. In truth, the ultimate terror is to realize the ego’s attachment to self. This is what total self-annihilation looks like, and there is nothing more terrifying to our ego than being annihilated.
Knowing the journey of the caterpillar, I keep my eye out. I keep wondering when the light will crack through and in what way my wings will unfold. Right now, in this dark, tight place, I can’t begin to fathom what will come next or dream of how all this will come out beautiful. Right now, in the darkness, I can’t see the doors that might be opening. I just sense all the doors that seem to have shut. Until I crack open, my new path will not be revealed. So I find solace in these lyrics from Trevor Hall:
‘You can’t rush your healing, darkness has its teaching’.